Coping with the illness of a parent is difficult enough on its own, but often such a circumstance can cause conflicts between siblings. These kinds of conflicts can really escalate when a parent requires long terms care and someone needs to step in and take on the role of caregiver. They types of conflicts that come up differ from family to family, depending on several different factors, but it is important to know in advance that caregiving is potentially troublesome for sibling relationships so you can manage this from the outset – it will be one less burden everyone needs to carry during this difficult time.

The number one issue for siblings when it comes to caregiving roles is who is going to take on what responsibilities. The way this problem manifests itself, however, depends largely on the kind of relationship each sibling has with the parent and with each other. If the family is close and each sibling has a close relationship with the parent involved, then the conflict may come up as rivalry. Siblings may compete with who will provide the primary care for the parent, especially if the decision is made that someone will either have to move in with the parent or have the parent move into their home. The opposite problem will occur if the siblings and parents are not close. A history of bad feeling and estrangement between the siblings and the parent may leave the siblings arguing over which one of them has to provide the care, as neither of them wants to get too involved.

There is, of course, a middle ground to this issue, and that is the one where one sibling is the clear choice as the caretaker, and the other siblings remain involved on a limited basis. This situation can actually cause more resentment on the part of the caretaker than any other, as they may feel unduly burdened by taking on all of the care themselves, and they cannot see a good reason why their siblings are not helping. Understanding that your brother and mother do not get along and he remains uninvolved in her care is one thing. Seeing your brother breeze into town and stop by to say hello to your mother for 20 minutes on his way out of town on vacation when you haven’t been able to so much have a cup of coffee with a friend in months is quite another thing and much harder to take.

These problems don’t have to happen with you and your siblings if you’re ready to plan for them in advance. Anticipate the bumps in the road and try to avoid them. The most important thing you can do is make sure that everyone is involved in every decision that relates to the care of the parent. Not only will this help make sure no one feels left out, it will also give everyone a very clear picture of what exactly the caretaker has to deal with, so they may be more willing to jump in and help.

Another big help for siblings is to devise a schedule that meets everyone’s needs. Everyone is likely to have different levels of availability to provide care, but you should split up responsibilities as much as possible. Siblings who live out of town may be called on to contribute financially more while those in town can help with doctor’s visits, cleaning and so on.

For siblings, realizing a parent requires caregiving is a daunting discovery. The best way to make sure the parent gets what they need while the sibling relationships are protected is to make sure the communication doors are always open.

Assuming the role of caregiver for a loved one can be challenging and with the amount of stress and aggravation that comes with the job, you would think that the caregiver would rather turn the loved one over to a nursing home or other organized care facility. However, the opposite it true! While the trials and tribulations of caregiving can be quite intense, most of the time caregivers are grateful to have had that time with their loved ones. They report that it is an experience they were glad to have, despite the problems – financially, emotionally and physically. For them, the positive experiences far outweighed the negative and they would choose the caregiving role over again over institutional care. Here are a few of the reasons why:

1.  Life and responsibilities get in the way of maintaining close ties sometimes with family members so when one requires the need of a caregiver, you should view it as an opportunity. Daily care of the loved one entails personal contact so you often end up engaging in long conversations about anything and everything.

There is opportunity to talk about the important things in life as well as the inconsequential ones too. You get to know each other better and learn about family history. You can laugh together and share stories about family as well as forge new memories together. Talking openly and honestly about caregiving decisions and what the future holds will cement not only those familial ties but create a newfound intimacy that is priceless. If there has ever been a time to reconcile differences or seek forgiveness, this would be it.

2.  Caregiving, while it may fall to one person in particular, still has a way of forging bonds with other family members such as siblings who may share in the concern of the loved one. Collaborating with family forces communication, first to benefit the loved one who needs care and then it extends into other familial realms. You just might end up learning more about your family and appreciating the differences that everyone brings to the table. While deciding on caregiving responsibilities can be heartbreaking and stressful in certain situation, it also has a way to bring families together.

3.  Making a difference in someone’s life, especially a loved one like your parent, can be quite satisfying. Yes, it can be tiring, emotionally draining and nerve wracking at times but at the heart of it all, there is a strong love and need to give back the support that loved one always gave you. You may view the opportunity to take care of a loved one as a gift because the time you spend with them could not be recouped if they lived in a nursing home or some other institutional care. Many caregivers report that their families benefit through stronger familial ties with the loved one and positive ideals and principles are indoctrinated in their children.

4.  A whole new world is opened to you when you assume a caregiver role. All of the sudden you will find that many others around you are serving the same role and you are not alone. Through support groups and meetings, you will meet new people and learn so much about health care advances as well as tips on making your job easier. You end up forging new relationships that could last for years.

Playing the role of caregiver can be quite rewarding. However, as your loved one’s condition starts to decline, there is a fine line between the benefits of caregiving on your own and seeking an institution of some kind that could offer better care. Consulting with your loved one as well as your family and the doctor is important. Conditions such as Alzheimer’s disease could end up requiring 24 hour supervision, something you may not be equipped to handle. Knowing when institutional care is necessary is part of the growth process for a caregiver.